I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.