Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
📽️movie date🎞️
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
One of the best
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.