it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.