“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
You Might Also Like
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
March 16
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27