I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
CRYING
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.