I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.