@TheCiscoKidder: I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Her: Where do you work? Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor... Her: *starts choking on food* Me: ...on a TV show
@murrman5: I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents
@stevevsninjas: [Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date] Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?