When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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This is Sparta
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso