My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
all bases covered
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really