I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
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Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
excuse me
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.