I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My biological clock is wheezing.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.