Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈