@RefractReality: I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
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@shutupmikeginn: I'm scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I'll run them under cold water for half a second
@thatdutchperson: [Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom] "I've counted these fries."
@Diane_7A: Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it's a "Hobbit" movie.
@Brampersandon_: BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death* ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*