She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Just had my nails done!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.