I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Nice try Hitler
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
May never get over this
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants