I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
he looks great for his age
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss