@eliyudin: I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad
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@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@polksalad: Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.