Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Oh deer
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…