The second world war should have been called world war returns
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Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
why isn’t he texting back
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly