I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Not all heroes wear capes…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!