“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.