I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible