@thenatewolf: I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.
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@SomthinBoutSara: Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it's shaken not stirred
@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@ValeeGrrl: [my kids walk in on me being murdered] ME: call 911 KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
@zachreinert03: Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It's true, I'm still glad I went with a bowling ball though