I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Feel. He’s so soft.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.