I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
You Might Also Like
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Lucky for them, they’re cute