The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
what
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.