Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I don’t think my car can fly
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU