@omgthatspunny: I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing.
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@fro_vo: [cruise] Me: boats freak me out Wife: listen to some music M: how W: there’s a band on ship M: a what W: a band on ship M: *jumps overboard*
@FaisalAdam_: Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, "GET LOST!" So I stared... Realising she wasn't saying more, I asked, "which season?"
@avaricious1: I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.