[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Twitter remains undefeated
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS