I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
You Might Also Like
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit