@OhNoSheTwitnt: I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn't become Batman.
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@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
@TheBoydP: Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
@JohnFugelsang: There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
@Sickayduh: DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.