I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
You Might Also Like
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
#FunnyLife Insects
yeet
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)