I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address