I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.