I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun