@Imsohoppy: I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I'm drinking.
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@Storminika: My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.