I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
umm…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.