“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.