I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Don’t we all.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol