I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Guilty! 🤪
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic