I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it