i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
This is a whole mood;
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*pronounces patio like ratio
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs