[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Every work meeting this week
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”