@_steamy_mac: I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.
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@WilliamAder: Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear. Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
@TheTweetOfGod: On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
@causticbob: Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again