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@kiralc: I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
@envydatropic: If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it's your favorite one being used
Math is easy
@ABKool: If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
@T_N_Crumpets: Waiter: black pepper?
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
@TheTimmyToes: [on the way to the hospital]
GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-"
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse