I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
i smell a pulitzer
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back