I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*launders Kohls cash*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.