I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
This probably isn’t good
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me driving through Toronto
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”