I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
my astrological sign is a french fry
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.