I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
*mops up wine with cat*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
October already? What’s next? November????
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.