@joeljeffrey: I have a stalker now and it's super creepy. She shows up wherever I go... her house, her job, the women's restroom. I don't know what to do.
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@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@tacsanitchiban: Whenever someone says "let's get weird" my first thought is "I'm already there"
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.” Wife: Me: Everything isn’t about you.