“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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Not all heroes wear capes…
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
is there nothing we can trust anymore
fixed it
huge if true: the moon
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”