Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.