Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
🏙👨🏼
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.