I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Best spot.. 😅
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life