I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
You Might Also Like
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.